Your love could be so intense yet suffocating.

Your love could be so sincere yet misunderstood.

You could feel like your giving the world’s greatest love yet it could be your mean girl (ego) talking.

You could feel like your doing everything right, I mean no one could love them like you have, right? Yet that could be your mean girl sneaking up again, soo far from love and deeply rooted in fear. What looks and feels like love could sometimes be soo far from it.

This blog post is for the woman who’s getting in her own way. For the woman who gives love so freely. Yet despite your best intentions, it’s not being received or acknowledged in the way you intended it to be. What does it mean to give love? How do you actually give love to someone? Let’s get started inshaAllah!

+ To Hold Space For Them

To give them emotional and physical space. The space to just be. The space to go and do their own thing for a while without your emotional or physical interference. The freedom to be without any judgment or labelling on your part. Giving space to the ones you love is one of the deepest forms of respect. It’s hearing them on a heart to heart level. It’s respecting their choices even when it means time away from you.

Space is a very beautiful thing yet it can be deeply unsettling. It requires you to trust that your relationship is built on love that can only grow through absence not wither away. That absence does make the heart grow fonder. Space apart can be so healing, if you allow it to be. It allows the other person to process their thoughts and emotions, to clear heavy energy between you both, it allows them to meet their own needs of purpose, contribution and meaning. It gives them a sense of freedom and choice over their own life.

So when your husband chooses to spend more time with his friends or glued to his phone instead of you, it doesn’t make him a crappy person. He’s showing you with his actions that he needs space. You don’t need to put up a fight or demand for attention. When your child throws a tantrum and doesn’t appreciate all the efforts you’ve gone to take them out, it doesn’t make them an ungrateful brat. Allow them the space to go through whatever emotions they’re processing without any judgment on your part.

+ To Give Them Support

“She believed in me when the people denied me and she attested to my trueness when the people accused me of falsehood. She offered me compassion and loyalty with her wealth when everyone else had forsaken me…” [Prophet Muhammad (SAW) – Narrated by Musnad Ahmad]

To support them without any personal agenda or gain. Pour unconditional love, wholehearted support in any way you can and your relationships will strengthen. Support them with your presence, with your words, with your energy, with your compassion, with your time. Supporting someone isn’t physically taking control and trying to save them. It’s holding the space, emotionally and physically offering your support, fully knowing that they’ve got this. It’s giving them the best surroundings to allow themselves to grow and heal.

+ To Believe In Them

All is takes is one person to believe you. One person to look straight into your eyes and believe that it’s possible for you. One person. If you ever get the privilege to be that person, know that you are so precious for them to have opened up to you. When I look back over the years, the first person that comes to mind was a teacher who sat through endless chats to help me overcome depression. The second person was a life coach who believed in my dreams when I doubted every part of it. In that state of fear and confusion, it means the world to have someone tell you “but it’s possible for you”. It’s genuinely seeing something in them that others don’t. It’s believing in them even when they doubt themselves.

+ To Actually Listen To Them

Can I tell you something that might hurt a little? Relationship disasters and breakups don’t happen over night. A relationship ends long before one side walks out of the door. A breakdown happens long before a third person is involved. You wouldn’t believe how many times a person is trying to tell you that something isn’t working, that something isn’t right… long before all hell breaks loose.

Your loved ones are always talking to you. Through their words, through their actions, through their silences, through their body language, through their priorities, the question is are you paying attention?

+ To Accept All Parts Of Them

Whenever I speak to young girls about getting married and ask them about their goals, I always hear a Tumblr inspired, fairytale response:

“Oh I can’t wait to pray tahajjud together”

“We’re going to study Islam together”

“He’s going to teach me the deen” heheh 😉

Sweet? Absolutely, so sweet. Is that why people get married? No honey, no. There are so many parts to a person’s character. A relationship flourishes when an individual can express all parts of themselves without you thinking any less of them. Understand that the most practising husband is going to have days where he just wants to relax and enjoy time with you. Or how the happiest, sweetest woman is going to have days where she’s in a crappy mood and that’s okay. Even the most successful, driven person has lazy days where they don’t want to be identified by their achievements. If you want to give love, welcome all parts of them.

+ To Keep Them In Your Duas

I think it’s so beautiful that you talk to Allah about the people you love. That you mention them in your duas and think only the best of them. Love for the sake of Allah is not about you. It’s not about making you feel good or keeping this person trapped in your life because you’re afraid to let go. It’s understanding the highest good for this person. That if this love doesn’t serve their or your highest good (emotionally, spiritually, physically), you let them be. One of the hardest forms of love is letting people be. Knowing when to let them go. Not because they’re an awful person but because you’re both happier apart. You’re both serving a higher good, you’re showing up as your better selves when apart.

+ To Make Yourself No.1 Priority

Only from that space of self-love can you love unconditionally. The more you love yourself, the more you can give and receive love. If you make your loved one’s your number 1 priority, it’s becomes too much of a burden for the other person to carry. You can’t be giving love if you’re always trying to get something back in return. The more you fill yourself up with joy, the more you’re able to give because you genuinely love them for who they are. Not because you need something from them. When you give love unconditionally without any expectation, you receive love unconditionally. But it begins with loving yourself unconditionally.

P.s. The women I coach have gone from problematic/ average marriages to surprise date nights, unexpected gifts and their husband’s feeling excited to be around them. I support women in healing their emotional wounds and setbacks so that they can have the relationships and life of their dreams. If you would like further 1-1- support, click here to learn more about my coaching program.

4 Comments on How To Give Love (What No One Tells You About Giving Love)

  1. Thank you so much for this post, Mashallah! I have thought a lot about giving love, because in my life I have faced situations in which I’ve been 200% sure that I’m giving greatest love a person could possibly give, but the person I was giving it to didn’t feel it at that exact moment – by that I mean – we can give our love to other person in many different ways and that person can reflecf it also in many different ways. Giving space to other person as action of giving love – this is cruical, although nowadays it is especially hard. But most importantly, it challenges ones mind and heart to trust and believe the other person and the relationship as it is. I wish all of us could give and receive love as much as possible and wishing everyone a beautiful week!

    • You’re soo welcome 💗It really does challenge your heart to trust. And yes we all express our love differently and sometimes we can easily overlook how the other person is giving love because it doesn’t fit in with out idea of it. Thank you for your support, hope you have a wonderful week too! xx

  2. Loved this! What should someone do if they feel that they are not being loved in a healthy way? It’s difficult to change another person’s expression of love.

    • Thank you! It’s a tough question, it’s hard to say without knowing more details (i.e relationship to this person/ where or how they’re over giving love in an unhealthy way). Overall I’d look at 2 things: 1) Putting your feminine boundaries in place. Very lovingly honouring your needs without offending the other person. 2) See what needs the other person is trying to meet by loving you in an unhealthy way. I.e. do they feel insecure/ do they need more assurance/ do they have a different love language than you? See what need they’re trying to meet and work around finding ways that suit you both.

      I hope that helps xx

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