I’ve recently received so many messages from sisters and coaching clients asking about the same issue over and over again.  It blows my mind away to see that many women experiencing loneliness, frustration, immense grief because they’re not married yet.

It goes as far as some women questioning Allah for keeping them single. Others crying themselves to sleep at night! Wooooah – Holy Smokes Sweetie! Crying because you don’t have a man in your life?!??! That kind of energy and desperation is the quickest way to kill any attraction that a man could possibly have for you.

Desiring intimacy and companionship is absolutely natural. But it’s not the sole existence of your life. One of the four greatest women ever to walk upon this earth was Maryam (the mother of Isa, may the blessings of Allah be upon them) – yet she never married. Your significance as a woman doesn’t rely on getting married.

I want you to keep this analogy in mind:

You are the deliciously, gluten free vanilla cupcake of your life. And your spouse is the sweet sprinkles that add glitter to the already scrumptious butter-crème cupcake.

You’ve got to be happy on your own.

You’ve got to be ridiculously content with your own life, bursting with love and happiness that radiates from self-love, pursuing your passions, connecting with inspiring women, devoting  your time to connecting with Allah and after all of that when the man of your dreams comes along he’ll be the fancy red bow that ties it all together for you.

Your loneliness isn’t going to disappear after marriage. There’s nothing worse than being in a marriage and still feeling lonely. It happens much more than you think. Whilst the excitement from marrying your dream man might keep your entertained for the first few months, eventually…. eventually reality will settle back in again. That’s when all these fears, thoughts of neediness, feeling empty will flood back in again. Why? Because…

It was never about him.

It was never really about finding your dream man.

You think getting married will solve your loneliness. You think getting married will suddenly motivate you into becoming this domestic goddess, brimming with ambition to sort your life out, get a supermodel body, chase after your dreams and live happily ever after.

Not true.

Marriage might change you for the first few months. But eventually your old habits and characteristics will creep back in.

You’ve got to do this for yourself.

Here’s the beauty of being truly happy within yourself:

You become the source of your own sunshine.

You bring the love and excitement to the relationship. Your bring the feminine energy, zest and lightness that sparks the happiness in a relationship. BUT if your needy, desperate and clingy, you can’t bring any of these qualities forth. Because your too immersed in that little, dark hole, waiting for a man to fill that void within you.

How could you possibly light up somebody’s world if you can’t even ignite your own?

Want it with all your heart but know that you’ll be perfectly happy without it too.

Be a girl who wants rather than needs.

 A girl who wants marriage – who wants a loving man who happens to be just one incredible, delicious piece to the puzzle of her life.

Rather than a girl who needs a man – who centres her existence around a man and can’t function without him (i.e. sobbing at night because you have no-one, making ‘dear future husband’ letters to share online – eeek! or making dua for your future husband – oh my! he doesn’t need your duas, you don’t even know him and Allah is looking perfectly well after him.)

So darling, the key message from today’s blog post is to love your life…  to be genuinely fulfilled and happy from within. When this incredible man comes along, he’ll only enhance and blossom the happiness and love that’s already within you.


P.s. If you’d like 1-1 support to create a healthy foundation of self-love, a personalised goal setting plan and take inspired action with gentle, consistent accountability to live your wildest dreams, book in a free 1-1 coaching session here 🙂

28 comments on “Single, Lonely & Muslim”

  1. I found this post patronising! We were created to be in pairs, it’s only natural to one someone to fall asleep next to and to talk. No marriage doesn’t define me, but I have emotional needs and physical and this is something only a man can give me. To mock a woman’s tears and to say indirectly I felt like you said get over it, is not only undermining the pain she’s going through but also denying her needs. It depends on what sort of loneliness one experiences, some stimes the only solution is patience until Allah relieves you. Just because a woman crys at night DOES not mean she’s desperate. Otherwise she would marry any loser, sometimes one crys simply because it hurts and your article was deeply unhelpful.

    • I’m really sorry if this article has offended or upset you – that has never been my intention.

      At the heart of this article is realising that you need to make yourself happy and fulfilled first – nowhere have I indirectly said to ‘get over it’ – not in my coaching with clients or anywhere in my blog. If it was as simple as that, I wouldn’t spend 5+ hours brainstorming, writing and editing a single blog post.

      I did clearly state that desiring intimacy and companionship is absolutely natural and if you want it to be unconditional love beyond your wildest dreams that lasts years beyond the honeymoon phase and it only gets better by the years, then I personally believe for that kind of love to flourish it needs to begin with yourself.

      Loneliness hurts but marriage isn’t going to solve that – maybe the initial honeymoon buzz will cover it for a while – but any sort of deep, emotional issues will rise back again. There are plenty of lonely married couples who have unmet emotional and physical needs.

      And lastly, for me personally I believe the essence of marriage/ love is seeing the person you love light up with immense happiness and creating that joy – the more you focus on loving the other person without any expectation whatsoever to fulfil your emotional or physical needs – that’s when it comes back to you ten-folds. And you can’t unconditionally love someone if you’re looking for your needs to be met – that’s what I believe, feel free to disagree 🙂

  2. Alsalaam Alaikum wa ramotulla wa barakatu
    Ramadan Mubarak sisters…

    I guess some cry over this because they often Are Actually lonely and desperate (not necessarily for a husband or man in their lives but), because they may feel austrocised within Muslim Communities…Not necessarily deliberately. But because as a Revert you can’t freely mix with non-mahram, most muslims share the daily things and not Just the Iftar etc. As a Revert you wake to break your fast Alone. You pray Alone. You learn Alone. Your christian or non believing family don’t share Anything with you now (you’re alone). You lose your friends
    You lose the connections you once had..
    So ‘being’ desperate Actually can mean that you are ‘Desperate’ for Muslim Mahram, shared prayer, learning, family and people who Are Actually interested in your islam experience. Also many Reverts experience loss of income due to giving up jobs that weren’t suitable, and Dont have family to step in and support financially. Many have to move Out of home as its too dangerous, haram is taking place there. This speaking from a Revert Perspective…
    As for Muslim born sisters/brothers they too I have noticed have pressures to be married and have children before they are old (ive been informed many times your time has virtually run out past 30 yrs old) whereas in western non muslim culture getting married First time and having babies in early mid forties is acceptable.

    But muslim born sisters and brothers thank Allah for the blessings of being born into your querky, culturally strange muslim family. It rocks more than you know

    • Wa Aleikum Salam Fatima,

      The purpose of this post was to support and encourage sisters to be happy and fulfilled within themselves first and foremost and then to seek out companionship/ friendship from a place of inner fulfilment. I can absolutely guarantee you that there are people who are praying with their family/ having iftar together/ going on holidays together etc. – yet still feel alone.

      When it comes to feeling alone overall and not due to marriage/relationship (as this post discusses), it’s so important to connect with people with what you do have. Another revert that I spoke to was experiencing loneliness/ feeling like an outsider to her family. And we looked at connecting with her family as a sister/ daughter/ aunt/ friend etc. Deen isn’t the only way to connect with people. Even between born Muslims, with some people you connect through deen, others it’s through a different interest as not everybody is going to be equally practising.

      With each testing time comes a blessing. I hope this helps inshaAllah, much love xx

  3. Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah, I am really pleased to have read this piece, it says exactly what’s in my mind. Feeling lonely is a choice one make. I am single and self fulfilled.

  4. I wish more women were aware of these very true and very wise words you have spoken here! This is such a wonderful post masha’Allah, and such an important message. Our value as a person is not determined by our relationship status – our relationship with ourselves and with Allah first and foremost are the two most important relationships and always will be.

  5. Thank you for talking to people like me cause that’s exactly how I feel at the moment. I think that getting married will solve my feeling of loneliness, I think I need someone to tell me all the beautiful things I want to hear and tell me that everything I think about myself isn’t true, but I should be nice and love myself first, Thank you sis

  6. Oh i forwarded this article like anything.

    “You think getting married will solve your loneliness. There’s nothing worse than being in a marriage and still feeling lonely…..” this is everything!

    Sadly we forget to fill the jug that’s going to pour into other cups…

  7. This is beautiful and so true. Marriage is something beautiful and wonderful and it’s certainly normal for women to desire that companionship. But I truly feel that no one is ready for marriage until they learn how to be happy, productive, and content on their own. I know I say this all the time lol but I really do love your blog. You inspire about so many important topics <3

  8. Lovely read! I agree with the notion that you don’t need rather you should want. Also what every girl really needs is to live herself first rather than rely on someone else to give her that love she is looking for.

  9. Lovely read sister. Subhanallah, this issue is so common. With the people I know, the pressure usually inspired by parents, and they’re want to be a mother in law or have grandchildren. Then again there are many root causes. And I do agree overall, when you truly love yourself, that will only magnify your marriage.

    • Yeah there’s huge pressure for parents, relatives, society… Whatever state your in, marriage tends to amplify that. So if your truly happy within yourself, that happiness magnifies within your marriage too and vice versa with other emotions x

  10. Be a girl who wants rather than needs…..through the simple words you have conveyed a beautiful message to all..thumbs up for that…May Allah SWT bless you in abundance….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *